my grief felt fraudulent
i entertained
a false memory
of the couch
it was a clear day,
a tuesday,
the sky a perfect shade
of 9/11 blue
i couldn’t worry myself
he showed me the diaper girl
until i said fine
at fort greene park
in the middle of everyone
cheering, dancing, drinking
accompanied by dogs
i experienced acute derealization
conceded it was
better than before
but maybe not
i had no hand
in the matter
& i wouldn’t have
even if i had